The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Why would you watch a very "meh" remake of such an awesome and classic movie? Six words: Jessica Beil's boobs and The Gunny. Why wouldn't you watch it? The all around bad acting, the portrayal of Leatherface with all his grunting and general lack of personality or any sort of terrifying presence? Maybe it would be the really dumb things that people say? I know I'm probably biased and this all sounds bad, but its not a horrible movie, it entertains and that's what movies are supposed to do.

Dead Alive

Oh yea! The goriest movie around! There is no question. Limbs everywhere, heads exploding, living guts that hunt for human flesh, body parts in blenders, and lawnmower massacre! Really, you can't beat it in pure blood content. The lawnmower scene alone, blood was being pumped through the damn thing at five gallons per second. Let me repeat, per second! And on top of the sheer gore, there is plenty of comedy and on top of that, cheese. Romance cheese to be exact! Please Peter Jackson, stop making epic fantasy movies and go back to making epic splatter movies! Sam Raimi went back, cant you?

Antichrist

If you ever wanted to see a woman slowly lose it, eventually drag her husband to hell, and do unspeakable things to her clitoris, then watch Antichrist. Also if you don't like to much dialog, want to see a fox eating its own guts, and get really confused about whats going on, whats real, whats not, and in typical art house fashion, leave the movie going "What???" Then Antichrist is for you. If none of this interests you, see it anyway 'cause Antichrist was pretty good.

The Exorcist III

"But the main thing is the torment of your friend Father Karras as he watches while I rip and cut and mutilate the innocent, his friends, and again, and again, on and on!" Thats why you don't exorcise little girls. Thats why you don't fuck with Captain Howdy. Things like being possessed by serial killers and that very same creature happen to you. And then you know what? You end up in a mental hospital, brains like jelly, for fifteen years, until finally the serial killer inside you has managed to pull your brain back together. Then you know what? He uses you to take control of catatonic old people and then uses THEM to kill people in horrible ways.

Gremlins 2

 

If I had to equate myself to a movie, I would say I am Gremlins 2. Its light hearted, full of pop culture references, funny as hell, and has a few serious pseudo-scary moments. I know its kind of a big stretch calling it a horror movie, but damn it its got mean, partying, bloodthirsty little monsters that cause chaos and riotous laughter. I love it! So let me just call it a horror movie, please?

Ju-on: The Grudge

One thing that Ju-on taught me about Japanese ghosts: they are not the pansy, thumping, whispering, stuff moving ghosts that us Americans know. Nope. They are murderous, vicious, evil, and devious. Rather than just frightening you out of your home by moving shit around, or killing you by scaring you into doing something stupid (falling down stair/elevator shaft, etc...), a Japanese ghost is more likely to crawl out of some unseen corner, making some horrendous bone chewing sound, right up to you in plain sight, grab you, and drag you into some dark abyss where you will probably be devoured by Oni, or slowly cut to pieces. At least that's what Ju-on taught me.

The Others

A big creepy house. A somewhat crazy mother. Photosensitive children. Three mysterious servants. And a bunch of bumps in the night. Graces odd rules about drapes being closed and only one door at a time being open are the least of every ones problems in the household. You see, Graces daughter Anne has been seeing people in their home, a little boy named Victor, his parents, and a creepy old woman with foggy eyes. There are ghosts in this house, its theirs, and they don't want to share it with anyone.

Pumpkinhead

 

"For each of mans evils, a special demon exists. You’re looking at vengeance. Cruel, devious, pure as venom. Vengeance." Pumpkinhead tells the tale of a man who loses what he loves most, his only son. Eds son dies in his arms when some city folk accidentally hit his son with a dirt bike and flee the scene, Ed Harley seeks revenge. He finds it in the local tales of an old woman with powers who lives deep in the forest. And in Pumpkinhead, the demon the woman incites to kill those that wronged Ed.

The Bunny Game

Oh Bunny... poor poor Bunny. She's our hopeless little prostitute who after a long hard day of coke, booze, and tricks has the horrible misfortune of being abducted by Hog. We watch as Johns beat her, rape her, steal her stuff. We see the regret and self loathing in her eyes at the life she has. She breaks down, gets back up, and does it all over again. This is it, this is all she has. Or it was until she found herself in the truck of Hog. Days of hell are ahead of her as Hog beats and tortures her. Will she survive the bunny game?

Phenomena

A pseudo supernatural giallo by the master himself, Dario Argento? Sign me up! For anyone else, a killer is on the loose in the Swiss country side. Jennifer is a young girl going to a private school out in the country. She also happens to have a psychic link with insects. As girls from her school begin being abducted and murdered, Jennifer has to piece together the things she saw while sleep walking and use her link with the insects to find the killer and get revenge.

Blood Mania

Blood Mania. With a name like that its gotta be crazy bloody and gory! Couple that with the IMDb description: "A sex-crazed nympho helps speed along her father's death so she can use the inheritance to help out her depraved boyfriend." and it sounds like a '70s grindhouse romp full of gore, boobs, blood, and sex! Is that the case? No.

Schramm

Have you ever wanted to witness the final moments of a serial killers life while tripping on acid? Ever want to see a man nail his uncircumcised penis to a table? Ever want to see the most frightening toothy vagina monster ever? If so, Schramm is for you! The bonus is that you don't have to go through the trouble of acquiring any drugs, they're built in! Add on top of that a little death and a sub plot about some rich old guys binding, torturing, and probably killing prostitutes in far more horrible ways than our killer Lothar and you've got a pretty good, pretty busy movie.

The Phantom of the Opera

See? You see this? Its not just blood, gore, vomit, death, and necrophilia around here! I prefer it that way, but hey, I have a little class. So today I am tackling The Phantom of the Opera (1925). Often considered the grandaddy of the Universal monster movies (Dracula, Frankenstein, Mummy, Creature...etc.), I couldn't wait to finally see this movie. My only fear, silent movie syndrome. See.... I always have trouble watching silent movies, generally ending up falling asleep after fighting off "the nods". This time though, I was successful!

Shiver

Running. Running, trying to reach the shade, trying to get back inside, Santi finds himself in the sunlight. His flesh begins to boil, he cries in agony. He drags his feet, his muscles no longer finding the strength to pull him along. Finally, he bursts into flames. Screaming and screaming! Flailing his limbs about. He wakes up in a sweat.

Porkchop

We heard you like camp. So we put some camp in your camp so you can camp while you camp. That's the level we are on here. Porkchop is a pretty decent little flick. Its got all the staples for a slasher. Blood, gore, iconic killer, boobies. All there. But it takes the camp a little to far. Its funny, its cheesy, but it relies way to much on this. It has a few genuine horror moments, but most of it is just jokes. But once again, its still pretty good, nice and entertaining.

Atrocious

Christian and July are young paranormal investigators. They take a couple of cameras around to cover local urban legends and try to find some evidence of the truth. They have done a few internet episodes covering various paranormal places in their area with decent results. Now, as the Holy Week approaches, Christian and July's family decides to go on vacation. They plan to visit the old family house, which as it just so happens, has its own paranormal legend surrounding it. The Legend of the Girl in the Garraf woods.

Darkness Falls

A fairy tale of revenge. Matilda Dixon was lynched after the disappearance of two boys back in 1841. The people blamed her because after her husbands death, she grew close to the local children. Matilda would give the children gifts and gold when they lost a tooth.  When a fire left her disfigured, she hid herself away behind a mask, and due to the severe burns causing her sensitivity to light, the darkness. This caused the town to become weary of her, and when the two boys disappeared, blame her. They reacted quickly, arresting her, tearing her mask off, and hanging her. Not long after, the boys returned, completely unharmed. The town had made a mistake and they would pay.